Ultimate Hunger Games the Third
by Maxworth
Summary: The battle wages on, this time in the massive digital expanse that is the Grid. With Sheldon Cooper at their side, Conan, Seth Rogen, and Ron Burgundy may have crafted the greatest games yet.
1. It Begins Again

"Citzens of the Capitol are questioning the morality of-"

"What they are doing is wrong! This is unlike-"

"This is like dog fighting, but it's a lot harder to say it's wrong because it's so cool-"

"Conan, Burgundy, Rogen, and that new kid, Sheldon are in way over there-"

"Agh!" Conan yelled, throwing his remote and breaking the screen of the television that sat before him.

It was late, on the night before the third Hunger Games organized by he and his associates, and he was unable to sleep.

He picked up his phone, and called Seth Rogen.

"Seth... Are you seeing this stuff?"

On the other end of the phone, Seth replied, "Ahuhuhuh. Yeah. It's all good. They don't even know what they're talking about. What we're doing is revolutionary."

Conan wiped sweat from his brow and said, "Yeah, I suppose so. What does it matter if a few fictional universes get messed up, anyhow?"

"Exactly," Seth replied. "They're all gonna get killed off by their writers eventually. Might as well get it out of the way for them."

Conan sighed, and said goodnight to Seth. He slumped back into bed, and closed his eyes.

A massive crowd was seated around a stage adorned with neon lights. Each audience member was decorated with glowsticks, casting pale light on their eager faces.

Then, a massive spotlight lowered onto the stage, where Seth Rogen, Conan, and Ron Burgundy stpeed out. Sheldon Cooper, the newest member of their team and winner of the UHG Squeakuel, made his way to them from the side.

The crowd clapped, less enthusiastic than before. They were all very excited, but recent questioning of whether or not this was morally right created doubt within the fandom.

"Prepare to be amazed!" Sheldon Cooper shouted.

Behind them, a curtain opened, revealing a massive screen.

"This year, we have an amazing cast," Seth said.

"One that even makes me give a damn," Ron commented, eyeing the studio cameras dramatically.

On the screen, an image of a neon wonderland appeared.

Sheldon said, "Our competitors this year will be battling on the Grid, a digital world created in Disney's fantastic Tron films."

The crowd whooped and hollered.

The camera in the Grid began to zoom in from its sky view, revealing a ring of glowing blue platforms. The spot was dark, and only vague outlines of each competitor could be seen.

"First, we brought in some real hot stuff. Give a warm welcome to... Kate Upton!"

A spotlight shone on the first competitor, a curvy blonde woman in a bikini.

"A hunter of demons and all things Supernatural, DEAN WINCHESTER!"

The next person was a serious young man in jeans and a denim jacket. He raised an eyebrow, looking around in confusion. Upon seeing Kate Upton, he nodded approval.

"He's the genetically modified rodent from space! Rocket Raccoon!"

A furious looking ball of action, Rocket, snarled at Dean and Kate. He ran a finger across his throat, and pointed to the camera.

"Rock Legend... GENE SIMMONS!"

A man with black and white face makeup whipped his black hair, raising armored hands in excitement as his tongue flickered about.

"Give him trouble and he'll break your back, it's BANE!"

A man wearing a bizarre mask held his hands at the collar of his bullet proof jacket. He murmured something, but nobody understood.

"Known for his service to our country and hunting vampires, we are honored to have Abraham Lincoln!"

Abe Lincoln tipped his hat at the camera, then scowled at his enemies.

"Enraged by the cancellation of pudding pops, we have managed to bring in the one and only BILL COSBY!"

A light revealed a ravenous madman, his arms spread outward and his eyes venemous. Spittle flecked the sides of his mouth, and his sweater was already covered in blood.

"That was kind of creepy... But it would never phase our brave apocalypse hero, Ellie!"

A teenage girl from the Playstation masterpiece, The Last of Us, stood with her arms crossed. She showed no enthusiasm, but you could see in her eyes that she was assessing the situation and creating a plan.

"He's drek and we hope he gets shrekt up. Farquaad."

The crowd booed as a light revealed a short man in regal red clothing.

"So rich that he turned himself into a cyborg, our competitors must also deal with the new and improved Bill Gates!"

An old man in glasses smiled sheepishly at the camera. One of his eyes flashed red for an instant.

"An ally of Spider-Man and one of evil's most dangerous enemies... Agent Venom!"

An armored version of Venom looked around, cracking his knuckles and glaring with soulless black eyepieces.

"Crikey mates! He's gonna take 'em all down and fry some fish on the barbie! It's Steve Erwin!"

A safari adventurer waved at the audience with a warm smile.

"A Conduit superhero from Seattle, Deslin Rowe is ready to whoop some!"  
>A young adult male in a beanie and hoodie smiled at the camera, flames flickering in his hands.<p>

"A pacifist who was ironically selected to compete... Gandhi!"

An old spectacled man with barely any weight ot him, Gandhi nodded at the camera.

"Flown in straight from the alien planet of Pandora... Jake Sully!"

A bizarre blue humanoid flashed fangs, whipping his ponytail about in anger.

"A fearsome disney creature... Stitch!"

A little blue alien flashed fangs and claws.

"He's survived the apocalypse and now he's ready to survive the games... Rick Grimes!"

A dirtied and exhausted sheriff glared around him, scratching his mangey beard.

"He hates your cooking... Gordon Ramsay!"

A furious chef screamed something, his face red.

"This is ^&%*ing awful! Why the &%*^ am I here?" he roared.

"His battle technique is armed and fully operational... Emperor Palpatine."

An old man in a black robe cackled wickedly, lightning shooting from his finger tips.

"George Lopez as a chihuahua, Papi!"

No explanation is really needed.

"The bringer of Death and the escort to the afterlife... GRIM REAPER!"

A skeleton glared beneath his robe, holding a scythe.

"What the hell? Why does he get a weapon?" Ellie shouted.

"That's his thing, dear. He is death," Conan said from the studio.

"That's some bull!" Ellie roared.

"Moving on... Next we have Kuzco from the Emperor's New Groove!"

A spoiled prince danced for the camera, smiling happily beneath his golden headdress.

"The Iraqi torturer... Sayid Jarrah!"

"First the island, now this! Why do these things happen to me?" Sayid cried.

"And the baddest of them all... He may be a fairy but boy is he scary... Jorgen Von Strangle!"

A massive behemoth stood before the competitors. He wore camo pants, combat books, and a dark green tank top. In his hand was a massive staff, a wand of immense power.

"Hey! I'm the only one who gets a weapon, bozo!" the Reaper shouted.

"Uh-uh-uh! Everyone gets weapons!" Seth Rogen cheered.

A spotlight blasted the center of the ring of competitors, reaveling a massive heap of tools and weapons.

"Have fun, kiddies!" Ron Burgundy said.


	2. Bippity Boppity Battle

24 warriors. 10 seconds.

"The battle begins in 10..." a computerized voice began to call.

"9."

The fighters glared at each other, cracking knuckles, snarling, winking, and gritting their teeth.

"8."

Someone farted and then they all laughed. But then it got old and they got all serious again.

"7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1."

The lights of the competitors' platforms turned from blue to green, and they sprinted forward to the pile of weapons.

"RRRAAAGGHHH!"

Bill Cosby leapt into the air, dual wielding pudding pops.

He came down onto Papi and Kuzco, plunging the chocalate treats deep into their bodies.

Two cannon shots fired, symbolizing deaths.

"Holy %^$&!" the Grim Reaper yelled, diving at Cosby with his scythe.

"Not to tippity day!" Bill Cosby screamed, deflecting the scythe with a new pair of pudding pops.

"How are you doing this?" the Grim Reaper questioned, as each of his attacks was easily parried by the sweatered warrior.

Bill swished both of the pops, connecting with the Reaper's scythe on either side. When his arms crossed, the entire weapon snapped in half and fell to the ground.

"What is this black magic!" the Grim Reaper shouted, holding up his skeletal hands in fear.

"A man who's lost all that matters," Bill grumbled, stabbing the pudding pops into the Reaper's rib cage.

"AAAEEEEUUUUGGHHH!" the being screeched, erupting into a ball of blue flame.

Another cannon shot rang out.

Emperor Palpatine sat still, his mouth gaping in awe. Competitors rushed past him, trying to reach the weapons stash, but he walked the opposite direction, towards Bill.

"Mr. Cosby. I believe we could make a powerful team in this game."

"Oh really?" Bill replied.

"I sense deception... Do not try to kill your master before we've even begun your training."

"Deception... All I sense is jell-o puddin'!"

Bill threw a bowl of pudding at the Emperor, temporarily destracting him.

"I think not!" Palpatine shreiked, raising his hands and firing lightning.

Bill Cosby pulled several pudding pops from inside his sweater, using them to absorb the electricity.

"No... This is impossible!" the Emperor cried out.

Bill smiled, the pops in his hands crackling with energy.

He threw one at the Emperor. Upon contact, it burst in a glorious display of light. The Emperor had been disintegrated.

The audience at the Capitol was shocked. Conan gaped at the screen, Seth giggled, Ron Burgundy dropped his scotch, and Sheldon giggled.

At the weapons stash, Dean acquired two shotguns. Kate Upton was searching for her own weapons, when she saw Dean approach.

"Please don't hurt me! I'm too expensive to die!" she cried.

"Don't worry. You stick with me, we'll be alright," he said.

Somewhere in the Capitol crowd, Dean's brother, Sam, was watching. He rolled his eyes.

Abraham Lincoln had acquired a battle axe, and dove to the ground as laser fire came upon him.

Looking up, he saw Gandhi in the distance. The old man kept climbing to the top of the pile, armed with a laser sniper, and jumping off to attempt a 360 no scope. For a pacifist, he was coming dangerously close to becoming the second assassin of the 16th president.

"I refuse to die at the hands of a petty killer again!" Abe roared, chucking his axe at Gandhi.

"Lol nope," the man said, as golden light shone upon him.

Gandhi floated upward, smiling as the light carried him away.

A cannon shot followed whatever that was supposed to be.

Abe's axe clattered down some distance away. He jogged after it.

Rocket was digging through the endless mountain of devices.

"Come on... Where's a blaster when you need-"

Behind his head, a blaster powered up. He could feel the heat on his ears.

"Now let's just take it easy..." he said, standing up.

"No easy!" a silly voice called.

Rocket turned slowly, to see Stitch aiming the gun at him.

"Hey... We ain't so different. Why the hell are we fighting?" Rocket asked.

Stitch lowered his gun, considering. Rocket took the chance, and tackled the disney star.

"NO!" Sitch cried.

Rocket snatched the gun, which made Stitch very angry. He sprouted a new set of arms and strange tubes rose from his back.

"MINE!" he roared.

Rocket ducked to the side and Stitch dove straight into the weapons.

"Where are ya at..." Rocket mumbled, aiming his gun and scanning the area for movement.

Then, Sitch burst from the pile, armed with a revolver in each of his little clawed hands.

They were at a standoff, their little furry faces caught in an eerie blue glow.

"I'm a much better shot than you. Don't even try it," Rocket snarled.

Stitch glared at him, and then looked beyond Rocket.

"OH NO!" he shouted.

Rocket whirled around to see Jorgen Von Strangle coming right at them.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU!" he said, swinging his staff of magic wildly.

The glowing star on the staff's tip buzzed with energy, and rocket had to back flip to avoid making contact with it.

He and Stitch opened fire, but the bullets and blasts did nothing to breach Jorgen's defenses.

"YYYEEEAAAAAAA!" a voice called from the skies.

Jorgen looked up, to see Bill Cosby gliding towards him.

"How...?" he asked.

Bill came down, and knocked over Jorgen. There was a struggle, but soon Jorgen was still.

"For the love of..." Rocket whispered, spotting two smoking popsicle sticks protruding from Jorgen's eye sockets.

Cannon fire.

Stich and Rocket sprinted away, as Bill Cosby spotted someone else to attack.

At the Capitol, Seth leaned in to Conan.

"That Cosby guy is out of control."

Conan nodded, but said, "He'll keep the ratings high. That's all that matters."

Ron said, "I don't know. He might do that, but what if he wins the games? We'll be his next targets for sure."

"We'll be ready for anything he's got in his sleeves," Conan replied confidently.


End file.
